Annoy Verb Irritate (someone); make (someone) a little angry: "your cheerfulness annoyed me"; "rock music loud enough to annoy".Harm or attack repeatedly.
This does not fully describe the way I am feeling right now. I think the only appropriate thing to do is to retreat into my mind and pretend that the anger I am feeling is simply just a bad smell that will be easily extinguished with the new and improved formula of lavender Ambi Pur. Why am I so angry, you ask? Well, as a content writer, I spin out a lot of crap. However, some of it is actually quite good. This situation is not good. I have just found out that contractor I have been working with for the past seven months has been stealing my work and passing it off as their own. I randomly decided to check out their profile and found that they had completed a lot of jobs that they had hired me to complete. So, basically, I had been doing their work for them. Now, I do a lot of ghost writing jobs, but there is a mutual understanding between contractor and employee. I understand that all rights go to the employee after the job has been complete. I have written a lot of ebooks, articles, speeches....I have even written essays for fellow university students. But the one thing in common they all have is the mutual understanding. I know that they are using my work as their own, and I have accepted that. However, in this situation, the contractor merely accepts jobs they have no intention of completing and then pawns them off to me, the little lapdog eager to make that extra $20. Well, I will not be that lap dog any more. I actually prefer cats.They look better hung upside down on the shower railing of contractors houses.
Joking!
But maybe not. I am against animal cruelty. I'd make sure it was already dead.
I wanted to talk about laxatives (what I will be sending to that mo fo contractor in their next meat pie). We all know what laxatives are - we've thought about them. Who should I target next? Which woman usually wears white pants? What type of cupcakes should I bake them into? It's a serious matter! But what are laxatives? For those who have been living underground, like Brendon Fraiser in Blast from the Past, laxatives are a mild cathartic that moves the bowels without any pain or violent action - ie, diarrhoea Laxatives can be taken orally or as a suppository (fun fact for the day, in high school a few of my friends and I decided to form a band. We called ourselves psychedelic suppository. We played once in my garage and gave up.) Anyway, I may or may not have decided to try laxatives, or I may know a farmer in Tasmania who requires them, so I thought I'd do a little research on them. Laxatives are used for bowel preparation, chronic constipation, and chronic immobility. People use them to lose weight, forgetting that all laxatives do is speed up the transit of faeces through the large intestine, making them poo more. The thing is, you need to eat to lose weight. And not 7/11 Krispy Kremes - but to be honest, those doughnuts are rubbery circular tires that are barely passable as food. Have you ever tried one of those from 7/11? They are disgusting. I doubt Apu would even sell them. The main thing is that it didn't seem to work. I still haven't pooped in two days. I don't actually go to the bathroom that often to be honest, probably because of my android gene, but I did expect something more....I don't know...eventful. Not eventful like this:
But probably something more like this:
By the way, who the fuck smiles like that on the toilet? You only go to the bathroom with the door open when there's no one home or when you are taking a shit at your neighbours house when they're not home with no intention of flushing. And you've been saving it up all week. And you're dressed as a Nazi. It's unnatural. Just like her hair colour. I don't know what the world is coming to these days when it's cool to take photos of people on the toilet. It totally screws up the rest of us, as we have to find more clever ways to humiliate people. Everyone knows that the best way to humiliate people is to highlight their weaknesses, but how can you do that once they've taken a shit in front of the whole entire world? Humiliation works best in public, but for gods sake, even the Oods in the Ood Sphere and the Horsehead Nebula can see you taking a shit. Take photos of your naked elderly neighbour instead. Photos on you on the toilet are so humiliating that every alien race in space and time will be making fun of you in the past, present, and future. Just don't do it.
The photo of the day is.....*da da da daaaa*
I like to move it move it!
Claire
No comments:
Post a Comment